For that past few weeks, I must say I was really confused with the notion of self expression of the physical and self acceptance versus praticality. I have some excess fat around my waist and when studying desteni, I was under the impression that perhaps I should just accept the fact that this is who I am and that I should just not exercise and pay attention to my body.
I was wrong. The fact is, we need to have a body which supports our physical in a comfortable way. I am deeply grateful to Leila and Andrea for pointing that out to me and helping me understand where I am going wrong.
I realize that I am not comfortable wearing certain clothes because of the way my body is shaped and this has caused restrictions in the type of clothes I can wear. Why should I restrict myself from wearing certain clothes? The way I see it is that this is a form of self suppression. I Can either forget about how others perceive me and wear what I want, or I can do something about my body so that I Can get to express myself fully without restrictions and for that, I need to take 100% responsibility and do what is needed to achieve such a healthy weight.
A few things that also came up is the notion that one has allowed too many emotions and participated in them which causes these to be stored in fat. That is something I would have never thought of before but it totally makes sense! That explains why some of us are programmed to have certain body types and that is why we see people of all shapes in the world.
There are a few patterns that I feel I have allowed myself to participate in all my life and I shall do SF on them.
1. Participation in overpromising someone and not fulfilling what I had previously agreed on.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in overpromises and not fulfilling what I had promised.
I realize that my words are what I create and when I am not fulfilling what I needed to fulfil I am creating negative patterns of self-dishonesty. Being dishonest with people means being dishonest to myself and I realize that self-dishonesty is something that fuels the mind system because we are being lead by feelings of procrastination and lack of responsibility as opposed to being the directive point of control. I realize now that I have allowed myself to be lead by my feelings of 'I don't feel like doing this anymore' or 'I Wish I hadn't told them I'd do this' because I am allowing my mind to tell me what to do and be enslaved by all the thoughts that come up when such incidences happen. When I look at my life, I realize that because of my overpromises and saying 'yes' to people when I half-heartedly meant something I have allowed people to distance themselves from me instead of creating friendships because of lack of trust. I now realize also that the reason I do this is because I want to put on a 'Miss Nice' appearance and 'please' people at the same time suppressing myself and not asserting myself when I need to. I realize also that the reason I am doing this is because I am blinded with the notion that 'I don't want to say something to hurt people's feelings' because I want people to like me and not hate me. I realize that this whole thing of wanting people to like is so engrained into me that I find it impossible that people should dislike me. I have no idea what the reason behind that deep desire is, but I am sure I'll figure it out somehow.
The next time I open my mouth to talk, I will make sure that either I commit to them and express myself without making them hope/think that I was 100% serious or I will only ask questions from a 'finding out' standpoint where no agreements or false promises are made verbally.
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